“In an essay in TIME Magazine [March 29/April 5, 2021], Kate Washington writes of being caregiver to her husband Brad during two kinds of lymphoma and a stem-cell transplant that nearly killed him. Family and friends would advise her to ‘stay positive’ and ‘take care of yourself.’ ‘You’ve got this!’ they encouraged her. They meant well, Kate writes, but ‘the insistence on an upbeat attitude [can] invalidate a person’s experience, leading to guilt, anger and increased stress.’
So, what can others do to be of help to the overwhelmed caregiver or family in crisis?
Kate Washington says the first thing to offer is space for the full range of emotions. ‘There’s immense power in a simple text telling a friend you’re there for them, particularly if you add this magic phrase at the end: No need to respond.’
And Kate urges avoiding the well-meant offer, What can I do? That puts the onus back of the already-stressed caregiver to come up with some reasonable task, often out of politeness. So, if you want to help, be specific.
‘I still tear up thinking of the matter-of-fact generosity extended by the parents of our then-6-year-old’s best friend,’ Kate writes. ‘They made a standing offer to take our daughter every Sunday, and for almost a year, we dropped her off weekly, no questions asked, for a fun day with their daughter — and a needed break from the caregiving sandwich for me.’
Kate says that she will always be grateful for the friends who set up a ‘meal train’ that fed her family for more than a year. When her husband Brad was unable to tolerate metal utensils, a friend surprised them with 500 compostable, disposable forks. Friends on their way to Target would text her and offer to pick up anything they needed. And Kate would often find a loaf of bread of the family’s favorite bakery dropped on their porch. ‘Self-care’ is important, but what really helped her family, Kate writes, is ‘community care.’
‘On my hardest days, the actions of family, friends and even a few strangers gave me hope, relief, and — dare I say it — a genuine, not forced, feeling of positivity.’
In his ‘high priestly prayer’ at the conclusion of the Last Supper, Jesus prays for those who now take up his work of peace, reconciliation and justice. As Kate Washington’s family can attest, by imitating Christ’s simple compassion, we can begin to transform the lives of the hurting, the struggling and the despairing; in every simple kindness and help we offer, we proclaim the Gospel of the Risen Jesus. [How to actually help an overwhelmed caregiver [Connections 5/16/2021]
When you have the capacity to help a caregiver, remember Kate’s advice: be specific, be creative, and don’t forget the essential to pray for the Holy Spirit to lead you in how to help.
May God Be Praised!
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